Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
Randomize
