You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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