david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Randomize
