Can Purell be used as lube?
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
