New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
You were literally hanging out the window and dancing to the remix to Ignition when we drove you home
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
I am one with the molecules
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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