Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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