they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
You need a sexual gate keeper
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
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