this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
Ive seen teh same guy pissing in the corner. Twice. Its eally weird. My frieds gonna do th funnel. Im so excited for her! Love, cori. Cuz its lik a diary.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
