bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
