I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
there is a spider sitting on top of my weed like he owns it or some shit
no but seriously tf do i do? i have that spider phobia but i think my lvoe of the weed overpowers it
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
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