You smell like a Billy Joel song
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
Randomize
