if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
