Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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