It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
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