I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
