Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
