I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
