After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
Randomize
