Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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