Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
