Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
