I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Randomize
