I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
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