Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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