i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
His mom finally got over her shame and smoked a bowl with us. Merry Christmas to all aka me.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Randomize
