I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize
