Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
