I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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