Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Randomize
