You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
You had a hat of bras. Probably a good dozen, which is totally impressive for a Thirsty Thursday
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
I never imagine I'd say this, but can I ask Jeff for the butt plugs back even though it was a gift and we broke up?
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
