hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Randomize
