Princesses don't give blow jobs
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
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