I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
