the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Stop jerking off to vines my recommended list on YouTube is getting weird.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
