I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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