I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
