Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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