My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
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