Cold hands, warm shart.
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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