the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
