sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
