In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
Randomize
