Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
he tied his pants around my leg to stop the bleeding... i think he just wanted a good excuse to take his pants off
well did it work?
it was a success in both ways.
Randomize
