I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
She brought over her portable harddrive and we dueled with porn. This relationship is too beautiful to last.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Randomize
