I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
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