make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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