I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
