Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Dude they have ski ball. Anywhere that has skiball is bound to be bangin.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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