put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
