I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
